It's the End of the World as We Know It

The University of Arizona is about to destroy the legal profession.

The University of Arizona is about to save the legal profession.

And it's all thanks to this little sheet of paper.

Find out why the world as we know it changed forever today after the jump.

Justify My Thug

Richard Sherman.  Man.

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy.

This whole Richard-Sherman THING is amazing on so very many levels.  You have Sherman himself, who is a fascinating individual.  You have the role that sports plays in our society and its importance on greater racial issues.  You have the reaction of people.  You have the meta-reaction that social media always creates with modern stories.  And, also, you know, somewhere in all of this is a football game.  I could write for HOURS on this but I'm going to make this short.  This post has two points:  1) To bring everyone up to speed on the story and 2) To paint, what I think, is the real picture of Richard Sherman.  But first, we must jump.

ARG

Oh man.  It's Thursday isn't it?  Listen.  I had some alcohol last night.  And some wings.  And maybe more alcohol.  The bottom line is I don't have a post for you yet.  I AM SORRY.

I will have one before 5 pm today.  Pinky swear.  In the meantime, just, you know, try not to make any loud noises.

The House that Morons Built

Do you remember Barbara Garcia?  Probably not, but you remember her video that went viral.  Here she is with her... well... I won't spoil it if for some reason you haven't seen it:

It's a heart warming piece that her doggy best friend survived but, at the same time, it's also very sad because she didn't have insurance and now her and Bowzer are homeless.  Except, you see, they aren't.  Because the Fucking Internet built them a Fucking House.  That's right.  They just did it.  1,600 people, mostly strangers, just got together and built this woman a house.  Or, well, their money did at least.

Like a Real Fucking House

So why, I ask, is our government so awful?  Find out what a tornado and Congress have in common (just write in your own joke here in the meantime) after the jump.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck You

For those of you that don't know me that well, you might not realize that this is my favorite time of year.  I love Halloween.  I love it so much.  It's a holiday that revolves around horror and darkness and the macabre; which are all things I enjoy.  But it's also a holiday that embraces gluttony for all ages, be it of candy or booze or sexual debauchery.  And it's all perfect.  Because, in the end, it's the only holiday that's about individuality and creativity and the bizarre.  Halloween is perfect because, and I can't stress this enough, every person gets to make it how they want to.  Children get to make it a night of sugar and princesses and ninjas and excuses to stay up too late playing games.  Young adults get to make it a night of drinking with friends and homemade costumes and sex.  Older adults can make it a night of special food and snuggling around a TV to watch horror movies (and, hopefully still sex.) 

THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN.  It's the one night we get to be who we want to be and do what we want to do, young or old, rich or poor, it's the night we get to embrace fantasy and excess and it is glorious.

So why then do they keep trying to take it from us?  Anger after the jump.

Apologies

To what readers I may have, after swearing I'd have, you know, a regular update schedule to martial an audience, I'm feeling too down to write a quality entry for tomorrow.  Apologies to all.  I shall get back on schedule this week, I promise.  The hardest part about being a regular writer is that I am temperamental as to when I can be truly creative and that temperament is more one of hopelessness and self-defeating regret than it is of "bringing internet funnies" right now.

C.R.E.A.M. (Part 1)

I want to talk today about dolla, dolla bills.

Yo.

Two things I was recently exposed to on the World* Wide Web, both concerning wealth.  The first, is this article from Forbes.  The second is this video from John Green:

And, BTW, if you aren't regularly watching vlogbrothers then, please, donate your internet connection to someone that will put it to better use.  In any case, these two pieces of "information" got me thinking about one of my favorite topics "The Fallacy of the American Dream" (to juxtapose with my previous entry that propagated that Dream through a fat plumber with a psilocybin addiction.)  More economic disenchantment after the jump.

*North Korea, China, Iran and most of the Middle East Notwithstanding

It'sa Me!

Housekeeping:  It's my intent, foolish as it may be, to go to a twice weekly update schedule (Mondays and Thursdays).  I've attempted thrice weekly in the past and, it turns out, that's just too.  Goddamn.  Much.  As it stands, twice weekly is probably going to fail because I am not good at this but I have to lower my own standards.

The other day, I made a comment on a Facebook post about how Nintendo saved the video game industry.  A friend of mine refuted this and, to be fair, it is a bit of an urban legend that Nintendo saved the industry.  There really was no "Video Game Crash" as it has become popularized as, more of a "video game meh."  But, that doesn't make what Nintendo did any less impressive and, really, despite the face we're talking about a Japanese company, Nintendo has become a cornerstone of Americana.  All because of one little guy who is really good at doing what this blog post is about to do.  Jump.

Taking the Axe Back to the Ol' Grindstone

So... blogging huh?  Yeah.  Back to the olllllllll' blog.  To write insightful things for the internet to enjoy.  Blogging.  Totally blogging.  So much stuff to write about.  Each thing more entertaining and edgy than the last.

Oh!  I have something!  Yay, an idea for a post.  Thank Jeebus, because I was this close (I am holding my fingers a very, very short distance apart right now) from just faking a seizure and that, it turns out, is extremely difficult to do in text form.  Still, gonna keep that little gem in my back pocket.  Also, no pictures for this post since I'm lazy with the cut and paste and don't want to incur copyright wrath when I'm just barely back to doing this nonsense.  Real content after the jump.

Game of Thrones. A synopsis.

This post contains spoilers.  It is a summary of the first half of the first season of Game of Thrones. Please do not read unless you want things spoiled.  Let's jump like a small boy climbing a wall and peering through random windows...

We Can Do this the Easy Way or the Hard Way. Okay, Cupid?

I'm back, bitches!!!!!!!

I'm sorry.  That was uncalled for vulgarity.  It won't happen again.  Mostly because I'm lazy and it's hard to say if I will return to regular writing.  But I'm going to try.  For realz this time.

There is soooooooo much to talk about.  So many things have happened in the year since my last post.  Like... um... there was... uh... the... thing with the... economy and... the... um... environment...

I saw this when I looked out my window this morning.  So, yeah, I guess that's something.

Anyway, yeah, there's a Republican primary.  And some black kid got shot for wearing a hood (irony much?)  Those are important.  But I'd rather talk about me instead.  So get ready for shameless self-indulgence after the JUMP!

Judge Not Lest Ye be... Praised?

This is going to be a slightly more serious entry.  Apologies.  Here, I take an extended sabbatical and then repay the patience of those of you who waited out my self-boycott by gifting you a decided lack of humor.  I don't mean to kick you when you are down, I really don't.  I just can't help it.  You're so easy to kick.  All the way down there, right next to my feet.

Also, dinner wasn't ready... AGAIN.

For those of you who had not heard, a BYU player was recently dismissed from his basketball team for having sex with his girlfriend.  There are so many, many things that upset me about this.  So many aspects I can criticize.  I could easily write 2-3 entries on it and, you know what, I will.  Because it's my fucking blog.  My first major issue with all this after the jump.

Government IV: The People, Bye The People

So.  There was a State of the Union address last night.  Did you watch it?  I did not.  I've made it a goal in my life to avoid as many State of the Union (or SOTU, as the kids call them) addresses as possible.  By and large, they are worthless.  They are dull, elongated diatribes full of empty affirmations and vapid reassurances broken up only by the excessive and excruciating pause lines.  I've watched dog shows as well and the only functional difference between the two is that I've rarely found myself saying, "Awwwwww.  Look at that cutey face!" during a SOTU address.

Whose a big pwesident?  Whose a big pwesident?  You are!  Yes you are!

Today, our office also tried to place an order for some laptops.  To see how these two matters are related... infuriatingly, ridiculously related, continue reading after the jump.

Art

Source

Those four panels are, in a word, brilliant.  I could spend many words analyzing the strip as well as dozens more like it.  First and foremost, is the joke itself.  The punchline itself is clever and subtle.  Hobbes delivers a simple, pun-based quip.  It's a cute form of ironic observation, juxtaposing "funny" and serious.  Lighthearted, but hardly remarkable, it is inferior to the secondary punchline, which is more sardonic.  Calvin's comment  communicates a sort of dark, sardonic downbeat.  Of course, it also embraces a funny juxtaposition.  While putting someone in a nursing home is hardly humorous in and of itself, the fact it's being done simply because of his opinions on comics is ridiculous.  Though funny because if its outlandish nature, there is a greater genius in the strip:  It is insane to take comics seriously.

No Post Today

My apologies. Remember how I was going to take a vacation Wednesday? Well, Friday is the new Wednesday. So. Yeah.

Hey, you kids. Get off my goddamn lawn.

I will resume regular updates Monday, when mock trial slows down a bit. Hand to Jeebus.

For a Day, We're All Equal!

I originally was going to take a vacation from posting today, but decided that spewing my nonsense serves to both elevate my spirits as well as darken yours.  I'm also experimenting with a new ad "feature" (notice the quotation marks, indicating that I am implying sarcasm in my commentary.)  I added Amazon Associates, which may or may not be overly intrusive.  I am also not certain if I'm even allowed to comment on the addition or if that violates some policy somewhere.  I felt I should, though, as a bit of a heads up to y'all so you understand what some of the links you see are.

I plan on being judicious with this new power and not using it to the point of absurdity.  I also plan to use it chiefly for products I actually endorse and not just random shit.  Still, let me know if you find the whole thing obnoxious and I will cease.  As I noted before, I am sensitive to the balancing act of my own profitability against your enjoyment, limited and transitional as it may be.  Real post after the jump.

No Free Lunch... Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Banners

Are you using adblocking software right now?  Are you?  Then fuck you.  Seriously, please, do me a favor and turn off the adblocking software on my site.  My Google ads are unobtrusive.  There are no pop ups, no annoying splashes, no full motion video.  And the ads are targeted, so they match the content of my posts... which, generally, means I get a lot about "restaurant deals" and "alcohol addiction treatment."

Google's Artist's Rendition of me.  I do not own a hat like that, Google.  Nice try.

Hey Man, I Got Some Good Shit Here...

This is Zynga:

Nothing says "good times" like a dog mascot that resembles Cujo.

If you don't know who Zynga is then... honestly, I just give up.  I mean, what do you want from me?  You obviously have access to the internet.  Have you not heard of Wikipedia, either?  Christ.  Anyway, don't confuse Zynga with Xanga, which is a website that specializes in blog publishing, similar to Blogger, but is completely inferior in every single way to Blogger, one of Google's many, many outstanding products (empty smile.)

And neither should be confused with "manga" a Japanese form revolving around the relationship between school girls and their pet octopi.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

Shit, I've really done it to myself this time.  I thought, hey, it's been a while since I've really written anything, it'd be fun to do that again.  You know.  A regular blog.  Try to get back to having a readership like I once did.  Maybe, you know, even make some money at it.  The thing is, writing is a full time job.  Hell, it's more than a full time job.  It's a 24/7 job.  I constantly have to be trying to think of new ideas, making notes, ensuring that creativity doesn't slip through my fingers.  I toil day in, day out, devising humorous things to say and topics worth commenting on.  It's a thankless, grueling task.  A burden that slowly crushes me every day.

We're kindred spirits, he and I.  I feel your pain, brother.  I feel your pain.

Pole Lit is I a Shun

I take for granted that most people who might constitute my readership know I am political and know where I stand politically.  However, in the, perhaps, delusional hope that my audience continues to expand, I will take a second to address those of you that might be less familiar with my habitat on the Ideological Spectrum.

First.  I am a Republican.  Now, most of the time, when someone gets to know me prior to learning of my party affiliation, they then, upon learning of my allegiance, do one of three things. 1) Laughter.  Haha.  Surely you jest.  No, I'm serious, and stop desecrating Leslie Nielsen by stealing his material.  Fucking plagiarist. 2) Confusion.  Perhaps it is opposite day.  Sometimes, people forget to mark opposite day on their calenders (or else, they mark every day but opposite day.) 3) Anger.  As if I have betrayed everything they thought they knew about me.  Sometimes, then they accuse me of drinking unicorn blood, to which I scoff.  Do you know how expensive that shit is?  I generally have to settle for a soy substitute.

In the case of the meat, the substitute is preferable.  Also, don't ever do a Google images search for "unicorn" if you value your sanity.