Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Game of Thrones. A synopsis.

This post contains spoilers.  It is a summary of the first half of the first season of Game of Thrones. Please do not read unless you want things spoiled.  Let's jump like a small boy climbing a wall and peering through random windows...

So, our story begins when some wandering douchebags.  One finds a bunch of corpses arranged in a strange pattern.  Like in a Dan Brown story.  Except for not written with monkey feces.  So the corpse-finder tells his friends about all strange dead people.  His friends go with him, find no bodies, accuse him of being a moron and then OH SNAP!  ZOMBIES MURDER THEM!  The corpse-finder survives, gets rounded up by some soldiers.

Now we get to meet the Stark family, who will be the centerpiece for this story.  First, there's Ned stark.  He's kind of a big deal.  He's the Lord of Winterfell, which is one of the Seven Kingdoms (except there is only one king.  Don't ask.)  Then there is his wife, Caetlyn, she has some anger issues.  They have five children.  Robb is sort of useless now but he'll get plenty awesome later.  Also, there is Jon Snow, who, we'll hear over and over, is a bastard.  In fact we might as well just get used to it now.  Bastard.  Bastard bastard bastard bastard.  In the literal sense of the word, meaning his mother is some woman that Ned had an affair with.  Then there is the oldest daughter, Sansa.  She's a bitch.  Not in the literal sense of the word.  More in the "holy fuck I wish she would die, that fucking---GAR!"


Then there is the youngest daughter, Arya.  She oozes badassity.  We see this as she totally punks (do people say that?  Is that still a thing?) her little brother, Brand in archery.  Brand, incidentally, is basically just a plot device for the foreseeable future.  We also learn that he loves to climb and NEVER FALLS.  Foreshadowing hoooooooo!  Oh, and the youngest Stark son is Rickon.  I don't think anyone remembers he even exists at this point nor will they ever.  I imagine he subsides on scraps and dead rodents.  Also there's some other dude, Something Greyjoy.  He's Robb's homosexual lover or something.  I dunno, I don't care.  He's sort of there.

So yeah, some soldiers come with the guy who survived the zombie thing.  Ned charges him with abandoning his post.  The rest of the first episode is consumed with a lengthy trial during which we learn a good deal about the underlying conspiracies of government and see tense arguments and legal battles play out while we question motives and come to a deeper understanding of both the characters and what is truly important for a civilized society.  Nah, I'm just kidding, Ned cuts that bitch's fucking head clean off.  Thwack.  Take that you fucking zombie-finding prick.

Let me say this now:  If you are a pro-neck sort of person then don't watch this show.  Everyone fucking hates necks and they are constantly doing everything they can to eliminate them.  Be it with knife, axe, wolf, or a wolf wielding a knife axe.

I have a suggestion for the next novel, George R.R.... source
Oh yeah, wolves.  So, after a hearty day of sword swinging the Starks go wandering through the forest and find a dead dire wolf and her still living pups.  Each Stark (and the bastard, Jon Snow, who is a bastardly bastard) adopt a pup.  They are important somehow to either some sort of symbolism or magic or something, I don't really know, but they are also adorable killing machines and I love them and want one.

We also learn that the king's Hand is dead.  "Hand" is the title for the king's main assistant.  In this case, the old hand John Arryn died of "an illness."  That illness being his acute allergy to poisons.  We see the queen and her brother talking about his death.  Later on, we'll learn a little surprise about them...

Here's a hint:  It's twincest.
So, the king packs up his family like a traveling fucking hillbilly show and they head over to Winterfell.  Once we get there, we learn that the king, Robert Baratheon, was supposed to marry Ned's sister and then she died (was killed... listen, just assume anytime I say someone "died" I mean they were murdered, it's easier that way.)  Robert bitches and moans about her for a bit.  This sort of justifies the queen (Cersei Lannister.)  I mean, if your husband was some drunk, fat asshole who kept going on and on about his dead girlfriend, you might pork your brother too.  Oh?  No? It's just me?  Okay.

Anyway, so the king asks Ned to be his new Hand.  Ned eventually agrees, and they arrange a marriage between Sansa (fucking die) and the king's "son" (notice the quotes, that become important later) Joffrey.  Joffrey is... well, let me put it this way.  If fucktardedness were an Olympic sport, this guy would be Michael Phelps.  I mean LOOK AT HIM.

He's like the illegitimate son of David Bowie and Justin Bieber.  Fuck that guy.  We also meet his uncle, Tyrion, the brother of the queen and her twin/love (Jamie Lannister.)  He's a dwarf who loves booze and sex.  So to answer your question:  Yes, he did win an Emmy.  We also get to see some nudity.  This show can't go more than ten minutes without a throat getting cut or some breasts.  God bless you, HBO.

As a quick aside because I haven't covered it yet.  The current king (Baratheon, if you recall) didn't used to be the king.  As some short back story, his girlfriend, Ned's sister, was kidnapped by the old king and Robert Baratheon and Ned Stark led the revolution to overthrow that king.  The deposed king's last name was Targaryen.  Also, the king's old hand, John Arryn (who got poisoned), was Ned and Robert's adoptive father of sorts.  Oh, and he was married to Catelyn Stark's sister.

Cut to a foreign land where we learn that the old king's two surviving children are plotting an arranged marriage of the sister to Khal Drogo, who is basically cornering the market on conditioner and smokey eyeliner.  And he's a warlord of the Dothraki.  Oh, and he might have a thing for fucking horses, it's really not clear.

The brother (Viserys) has an implied incestuous relationship (apparently most of the Seven Kingdoms are in the Appalachian mountains) with the sister (Daenerys) and keeps threatening her with his "dragon."

I think dragon actually is code for penis.  But in the interests of keeping this blog SFW...
There is a scene were Daenerys, who is filthy, filthy hot, gets into a spa that the hand maiden exclaims is, literally, too hot but doesn't get burned.  More foreshadowing

Here she is wearing clothes.  Sort of an anomaly for her.
Cut back to Winterfell.  We find out that Cat's sister has fled, believing her husband, John Arryn, the old hand of the king, to be murdered.

Cut back to the Dothraki.  Daenerys is getting married to Drogo!  She gets two important gifts: petrified dragon eggs and marital rape!  Joy!

Meanwhile, back at Winterfell, Snow decides to go to the Wall.  I don't mean that metaphorically, there is literally a giant wall.  You see, Winterfell is the Northernmost land of the Seven Kingdoms and to the north of it is a wall that separates the Kingdoms from Bad Things on the other side.  It's guarded by the Night's Watch, who vow to protect the kingdom until death.  Oh, and not to have sex.  The Watch is mostly outcasts, thieves and rapists and, of course, bastards.  So bastardly king of the bastards John Bastard Snow decides he's going to bastard his way to the wall.  Tyrion, who needs to give his dick a rest, decides to travel with him to visit.

Then, later, Brand is climbing on the Winterfell castle walls, happens to spy the queen and her brother doing the nasty (why they were doing the nasty in an abandoned chamber in front of windows, I know not) and the brother, Jamie, catches Brand catching them.  Exposition, exposition, then Jamie tries to teach Brand to fly and he fails.  Plummeting about 5 stories to... his death?

And that's the first episode.  Shit.  Well, I'm going to summarize the next few episodes but those should be shorter.  For now, I'm sort of sick of all these people and their ridiculously spelled names.  I need a break.

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