Thursday, March 3, 2011

Judge Not Lest Ye be... Praised?

This is going to be a slightly more serious entry.  Apologies.  Here, I take an extended sabbatical and then repay the patience of those of you who waited out my self-boycott by gifting you a decided lack of humor.  I don't mean to kick you when you are down, I really don't.  I just can't help it.  You're so easy to kick.  All the way down there, right next to my feet.

Also, dinner wasn't ready... AGAIN.
For those of you who had not heard, a BYU player was recently dismissed from his basketball team for having sex with his girlfriend.  There are so many, many things that upset me about this.  So many aspects I can criticize.  I could easily write 2-3 entries on it and, you know what, I will.  Because it's my fucking blog.  My first major issue with all this after the jump.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Government IV: The People, Bye The People

So.  There was a State of the Union address last night.  Did you watch it?  I did not.  I've made it a goal in my life to avoid as many State of the Union (or SOTU, as the kids call them) addresses as possible.  By and large, they are worthless.  They are dull, elongated diatribes full of empty affirmations and vapid reassurances broken up only by the excessive and excruciating pause lines.  I've watched dog shows as well and the only functional difference between the two is that I've rarely found myself saying, "Awwwwww.  Look at that cutey face!" during a SOTU address.

Whose a big pwesident?  Whose a big pwesident?  You are!  Yes you are!
Today, our office also tried to place an order for some laptops.  To see how these two matters are related... infuriatingly, ridiculously related, continue reading after the jump.

Monday, January 24, 2011


Those four panels are, in a word, brilliant.  I could spend many words analyzing the strip as well as dozens more like it.  First and foremost, is the joke itself.  The punchline itself is clever and subtle.  Hobbes delivers a simple, pun-based quip.  It's a cute form of ironic observation, juxtaposing "funny" and serious.  Lighthearted, but hardly remarkable, it is inferior to the secondary punchline, which is more sardonic.  Calvin's comment  communicates a sort of dark, sardonic downbeat.  Of course, it also embraces a funny juxtaposition.  While putting someone in a nursing home is hardly humorous in and of itself, the fact it's being done simply because of his opinions on comics is ridiculous.  Though funny because if its outlandish nature, there is a greater genius in the strip:  It is insane to take comics seriously.

Friday, January 21, 2011

No Post Today

My apologies. Remember how I was going to take a vacation Wednesday? Well, Friday is the new Wednesday. So. Yeah.

Hey, you kids. Get off my goddamn lawn.

I will resume regular updates Monday, when mock trial slows down a bit. Hand to Jeebus.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

For a Day, We're All Equal!

I originally was going to take a vacation from posting today, but decided that spewing my nonsense serves to both elevate my spirits as well as darken yours.  I'm also experimenting with a new ad "feature" (notice the quotation marks, indicating that I am implying sarcasm in my commentary.)  I added Amazon Associates, which may or may not be overly intrusive.  I am also not certain if I'm even allowed to comment on the addition or if that violates some policy somewhere.  I felt I should, though, as a bit of a heads up to y'all so you understand what some of the links you see are.

I plan on being judicious with this new power and not using it to the point of absurdity.  I also plan to use it chiefly for products I actually endorse and not just random shit.  Still, let me know if you find the whole thing obnoxious and I will cease.  As I noted before, I am sensitive to the balancing act of my own profitability against your enjoyment, limited and transitional as it may be.  Real post after the jump.

Monday, January 17, 2011

No Free Lunch... Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Banners

Are you using adblocking software right now?  Are you?  Then fuck you.  Seriously, please, do me a favor and turn off the adblocking software on my site.  My Google ads are unobtrusive.  There are no pop ups, no annoying splashes, no full motion video.  And the ads are targeted, so they match the content of my posts... which, generally, means I get a lot about "restaurant deals" and "alcohol addiction treatment."

Google's Artist's Rendition of me.  I do not own a hat like that, Google.  Nice try.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Hey Man, I Got Some Good Shit Here...

This is Zynga:

Nothing says "good times" like a dog mascot that resembles Cujo.
If you don't know who Zynga is then... honestly, I just give up.  I mean, what do you want from me?  You obviously have access to the internet.  Have you not heard of Wikipedia, either?  Christ.  Anyway, don't confuse Zynga with Xanga, which is a website that specializes in blog publishing, similar to Blogger, but is completely inferior in every single way to Blogger, one of Google's many, many outstanding products (empty smile.)

And neither should be confused with "manga" a Japanese form revolving around the relationship between school girls and their pet octopi.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

And Now for Something Completely Different...

Shit, I've really done it to myself this time.  I thought, hey, it's been a while since I've really written anything, it'd be fun to do that again.  You know.  A regular blog.  Try to get back to having a readership like I once did.  Maybe, you know, even make some money at it.  The thing is, writing is a full time job.  Hell, it's more than a full time job.  It's a 24/7 job.  I constantly have to be trying to think of new ideas, making notes, ensuring that creativity doesn't slip through my fingers.  I toil day in, day out, devising humorous things to say and topics worth commenting on.  It's a thankless, grueling task.  A burden that slowly crushes me every day.

We're kindred spirits, he and I.  I feel your pain, brother.  I feel your pain.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pole Lit is I a Shun

I take for granted that most people who might constitute my readership know I am political and know where I stand politically.  However, in the, perhaps, delusional hope that my audience continues to expand, I will take a second to address those of you that might be less familiar with my habitat on the Ideological Spectrum.

First.  I am a Republican.  Now, most of the time, when someone gets to know me prior to learning of my party affiliation, they then, upon learning of my allegiance, do one of three things. 1) Laughter.  Haha.  Surely you jest.  No, I'm serious, and stop desecrating Leslie Nielsen by stealing his material.  Fucking plagiarist. 2) Confusion.  Perhaps it is opposite day.  Sometimes, people forget to mark opposite day on their calenders (or else, they mark every day but opposite day.) 3) Anger.  As if I have betrayed everything they thought they knew about me.  Sometimes, then they accuse me of drinking unicorn blood, to which I scoff.  Do you know how expensive that shit is?  I generally have to settle for a soy substitute.

In the case of the meat, the substitute is preferable.  Also, don't ever do a Google images search for "unicorn" if you value your sanity.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

We're Receiving Conflicting Reports

I was working on a couple different entries yesterday.  Both got shelved at about 10 am this morning.

Let me start by stating the obvious.  I am not a real journalist.  I never went to J-School.  I've never written trite copy for some independent rag.  I've never toiled away a day, tracking down sources, rooting through public records, trying to get a story.  I've never been to Iraq.  I've never seen a disaster scene first hand.  I'm not that guy.  That guy is awesome, he's got some killer fucking boots.

No Wonder Everybody Hates The Media

I will be writing a post later but, I want to note right now... the only things that disgusts me more than the shooting is the way the media has responded.

I'm intentionally waiting for events to clarify before commenting.  That is more than I can say of the mass media outlets who would have you believe Gabby Giffords is now a horrible zombie.

Later today, same bat channel.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Make Your Own Twitter Pun

I despise Twitter. This fact is hardly a secret. My basic criticism is that is serves no meaningful purpose in society. There is no niche it fills that was not already filled by superior forms of interweb medium.

As a social networking tool is is abysmal, inferior both to Facebook and that-service-that-shall-not-be-named-but-rhymes-with-Cry-Place. Those other services convey more information about the member, allow the member greater creative freedom, and support a wider variety of media.

As an information tool, it is redundant. Not only does it present little more information than mere headlines, but it provides so little latitude that even titles need to be abbreviated in some cases. So, any user who wishes to relay information must link to another site. This makes Twitter nothing more than a shell. A link depository. And, again, it provides no unique service. One can just as easily use Facebook or the-service-that-shall-not-be-named-but-rhymes-with-Try-Mace to post links or else the reader can simply subscribe to the millions upon millions of RSS feeds out there to receive headline links directly from the source.