|Whose a big pwesident? Whose a big pwesident? You are! Yes you are!|
First, the State of the Union. Let me summarize it up for you: It's fucked. There, I just saved you, like, two hours of your life. Really, how great would that be if some president just came up for the address, stood on stage, waited for the applause to die down then went "We're screwed. Good night everybody!" But I digress. The State of the Union is, and really, always has been, the greatest exercise in political masturbation there is.
|At least since this guy left office. That's right, a Clinton sex joke. Can't find that cunning humor anywhere on the internet but here.|
I realize there are a small number of my readers shouting factoids at their computer monitors like a real life Tracy Flick. I also realize there are a small number of my readers who are throwing feces at their monitors. These are the outliers. Most of you have no answer to that question. Guess what those Americans who didn't watch or pay attention to the SOTU have that you don't? Two hours of their lives.
|Well.... some of them did. Others made their own moronic viewing choices.|
So then, after dodging this exercise in futility, I come into my office this morning to discover, low and behold, that the laptops that we wanted to buy are not up to our "Internal City Standards." See, for those of you that didn't know or may have forgotten, I ostensibly work for the government, a painful fact I am reminded of every day. And, as a side project to my normal job of putting criminals back on the streets, I was tasked with researching and presenting a list of notebooks for our office to spend what is left of our meager budget on. Myself and Ryan, my coworker, found three such notebooks, all under six hundred dollars, from our vendors. Of course, our "vendors" is a list of retail companies who give the city a kickback to force a monopoly in our purchasing practices.
|File photo of vendor|
Oh, right. The stupid fucking IT department. Well, in order for use to meet our standards, the department recommended we purchase one of their pre-approved laptops. They gave us a choice of two. Guess how much they cost. Go on guess.
Did you guess $1300? Because if you did, then you should apply for a job in government management! $1300. Each. I just. There aren't words.
|I wanted to emphasize the outrageousness of it with a gold-plated laptop picture, but the only ones they make are Apples. I'm now paralyzed with all the other jokes I can make. It's best if we just move on...|
If you think the government spending $1300 on a laptop is bad. Ask yourself this: How much was the catering for the SOTU dinner?