We Can Do this the Easy Way or the Hard Way. Okay, Cupid?

I'm back, bitches!!!!!!!

I'm sorry.  That was uncalled for vulgarity.  It won't happen again.  Mostly because I'm lazy and it's hard to say if I will return to regular writing.  But I'm going to try.  For realz this time.

There is soooooooo much to talk about.  So many things have happened in the year since my last post.  Like... um... there was... uh... the... thing with the... economy and... the... um... environment...

I saw this when I looked out my window this morning.  So, yeah, I guess that's something.

Anyway, yeah, there's a Republican primary.  And some black kid got shot for wearing a hood (irony much?)  Those are important.  But I'd rather talk about me instead.  So get ready for shameless self-indulgence after the JUMP!

Wooooo.  That was exhilarating.  So, I recently joined okcupid.  Or, rather, I rejoined.  Why would I do that?  Well, see, it's a simple matter.  There are, essentially, four reasons for having an okcupid profile:

1) I want to find true and everlasting love.
2) I like to stalk but find hiding in bushes tiresome and itchy.
3) I hate myself.
4) Profit!

Strike number 4.  Replace it with "I enjoy standing on the sidelines laughing as humanity burns!"  Although, now that I think about it, that is really basically the same thing as profit in most corporations' minds.

EARMUFFS!  It's okay, Mitt, he didn't meant it.  Shhhhh.  Dry those tears.

I hope to be loved and find a deep, trusting relationship that fulfills my deepest emotional needs just like everyone else.  But I'm also 30.  That means I've also realized by now that people are horrible.  So, yeah, there's sort of a conflict there.  This post isn't about my internal struggle between the last vestiges of romantic idealism that are dying the slow, painful death of starvation and, you know, reality.  No!  Instead, this is about... yeah, no, it's sort of about that.

Okcupid is not an ego booster.  Let's start with that.  Essentially, the entire site follows one of two different patterns depending whether you are a male or a female.  Male first.

1) Browse through profiles ---> 2) Find cute, interesting girl ---> 3) Send message to said girl ---> 4) Wait some arbitrary amount of time for a response ---> 5) No response ---> 6) Find another cute, interesting girl ---> 7) Repeat steps 2-6 for X number of times where X = the amount of time it takes for you to formulate a proper suicide plan ---> 8) Drink until you can't feel your fingers anymore.

Success!

For girls, per my friend who was also on okcupid, the pattern looks more like this:

1) Browse through profiles  ---> 2) Get hit on by creeper ---> 3) Get hit on by creeper ---> 4) Get hit on by creeper ---> 5) Get hit on by creeper ---> 6) Get hit on by creeper ---> 7) Get hit on by creeper ---> 8) Abandon internet ---> 9) Adopt 15 cats

A cat picture??? On the internet??? This blog is really hard to masturbate to...

Such is the wonderful world of online dating.  So far, this has been an enjoyable experience.  No, no, not the okcupid participation.  I meant the part where I try to slug out a few thousand words of blog post before the rum and vodka fully pickle my brain and make it hard to see the computer monitor.  I like to turn as many life events into a race against inebriation as possible.  Then, win or lose, I'm a fucking winner.

But back to the point at hand.  The ultimate problem with online "dating" (which, really, is a misnomer because it's more "online way to meet people in an incredibly awkward and isolated fashion where at least one party might be fully sober") is that these two experiences tend to feed upon one another.  From the female perspective, the constant barraging by creepy, bizarre anti-social perverts leads her to be reluctant to properly read, let alone, respond to message she receives.  In turn, she never replies to any decent emails she gets.  This leads to those males with decent messages becoming increasingly disenchanted.  Which causes them to either BECOME creepers or else fall off the site entirely.

Really, it's the inevitable result of repeated frustration over not getting what you want.  And eating primarily fish.

So, what is the answer?  Well, there is always the standby: "Maybe humanity could try being a little less horrible tomorrow."  Hahahahahahahahahaha.  I keed!  I keed!  I might as well wish for a goddamn unicorn.  I really don't know.  The obvious answer is "better enforcement mechanisms" to remove the scumbags from the site, but it's free.  You get what you pay for.  Also, as a guy, I could argue for girls to stop being so picky and judgmental, but I might as well get back to wishing for that unicorn.  Or a dragon.  That eats unicorns.  Fuck YES.

In the end, I'm not in the solution business.  I'm in the "fuck it, let's all have sex and undermine government" business.  I encourage more constructive criticisms in the comments, though.  Still, this post was not entirely without merit.  We've accomplished three things tonight, kids.

1)  I link to my blog on my okcupid profile, so now I've created a wonderful self-referential loop.  It's the literary equivalent of traveling back time and murdering my grandfather (or boning my grandmother, I can never remember how that works.)

2) I set the stage for wonderful, recurring okcupid-related posts.  Y'all can join me on this horrible, misguided journey.

3) I got back to updating my blog!  Wait... that last one isn't really an accomplishment.

Oh well.  Next few entries (if they happen) will be about Game of Thrones, shooting black kids, and maybe, just maybe, if you are extra good, a killer cheesecake recipe that involves fudge and peanut butter.  Stay tuned!