Postmortem

Finally getting a second to sit down and write up my final word on this little experiment...

... so, so tired.

Alright, first, the obvious question of how I felt this morning. Surprisingly, not terrible. I was afraid of a hangover for obvious reasons. There are essentially three sources of the various hangover malaise. The first is the most influential, dehydration. Alcohol drains the fluid from your body and, unless you make a conscious effort to supplement it with regular beverage, it can really take its toll. Second, is the feeling of exhaustion that comes from the rather terrible sleep that alcohol tends to cause. Finally, there is the fact that, often times, you are STILL DRUNK when you wake up.

I safeguarded against the first problem by drinking lots of water and eating ice cream and melon. I safeguarded against the second by... okay, I did nothing to help on that one. And I protected myself against the third by NOT HAVING A THIRD FOUR LOKO. Trust me, if I had had a third, I would have been absolutely boned. Zero I would have made it into work today.

I slept poorly. The caffeine hadn't totally faded and I already have a nasty tendency to have horrid dreams and hallucinations when I try to sleep drunk. So, it was a fairly restless, repeatedly disturbed sleep. So I woke up, and still am, tired. Also woke up with a bit of a headache. Not too bad, though, two glasses of water and 4 Tylenol later, plus two hours of healing time, and it was gone. So, really, overall, doing fine, no worse than after most drinking endeavors.

So, now, time for the final verdict. First, a review of the product itself. I shall grade it on a 1-5 scale on various criteria. This is also an amalgam score for both the semi-respectable Blue Raspberry and his disgusting, lurch of a black sheep brother, Watermelon.

Overall appearance: 4/5. The can itself is inviting and the actual liquids have a comfortable color. The raspberry is unnatural enough to remind one of candy while the watermelon could be confused for the cheapest of boxed wines. Really, though, that's sort of a slam to boxed wine, some of which are approaching palatable. At any rate, without knowing any better, everything about the aesthetics seems to embody a legitimate adult beverage.

Smell: 5/5. Really liked the odor of both. Honestly, both were very sweet and smelled completely innocent. No detectable malt liquor nastiness and pretty good facsimiles of actual pop culture food.

Taste: 2/5. Well.... let me put it this way. On one end of the scale you've got gasoline. On the other, Patron or Black Label or what have you. Let's call the gasoline scale the left side and the top shelf liquor the right. Four Loko is so left of center, you might confuse it for Al Franken (zing!) It's not good. This comes from the underlying design defect: It's malt liquor. Malt liquor is not fit for human consumption. Hell, if an inmate asks for malt liquor with his last meal, most prisons won't give it on account of an ACLU suit for cruel and unusual treatment. So, you have two options: Mask it with more potent flavors or throw your arms up in surrender and let it have its way with people's mouths (the prison analogy can easily be extended here so I'll give you a few seconds to make your own joke................ done? Alright, moving on.) Raspberry takes option A and ends up somewhat covering the taste of the horrid alcohol with sweetness and generic artificial fruitiness. It's not GOOD, but it is drinkable. Watermelon really is as bad as I claimed. I mean, I had already gotten somewhat used to 4-Lok and had a six pack worth of tastebud neutering by the first one and Watermelon was STILL nearly unbearable. It not only took option B, but it almost seemed to be accenting the horror. It wasn't throwing its arms up but handing the malt liquor shivs and screaming, "Cut him, bitch! Cut him!" on the sidelines. Just terrible. And it neither matches real watermelon or the bizarre flavor that candy companies have come to call "watermelon."

Effect: 4/5. This is the interesting part. The reason you all came to watch me put my life on the line. It is an odd effect. Truly different feeling. I won't repeat myself, I thin my prior entries did a decent job describing but, suffice to say, it was an experience.

Overall: 3/5. Not too bad. Better than cheap liquor or 40s, not as good as real booze. Also a unique sort of drunkeness.

Now the bottom line. Really, it comes down to two questions.

Would you do it again?

Yes, yes I would. It wasn't awful tasting and was a unique and, overall, decent chemical experience. Also, this shit is CHEAP. For $5 I got as drunk as it would normally take 11 beers to pull off. Can't beat that. I do NOT recommend this as an enjoyment beverage. You do not drink Four Loko for taste. It compliments no food that you would ever want to actually eat. It is for getting drunk, pure and simple. And, for that purpose, it meets the two greatest criteria you can ask for any drug: Cheap and effective.

Does it live up to the hype?

Sort of. Depends. Are we talking the "It is a dangerous combination of speed and alcohol" or "It is an awesome combination of speed AND alcohol!" Either way, the drink poses pros and cons.

Pros:

Cheap
Fun
1-2 will bring about an entertaining level of intoxication
The stimulants to seem to improve the overall "flow" of the intoxication

Cons:

There is a certain degree of masking
It's way to easy to chug or lose track of how much you drink
I think it might have GHB in it
Tastes like death

I will say this. I am now a fan and would recommend it to others but only with the caveats I've previously mentioned. Slow and steady wins the race, Mr. Tortoise. Meanwhile, the hare is vomiting up his kidneys and driving his car off a cliff. Wait... if he's already so fast, why is he driving? Cheating bastard. He deserves to die.

Please Mr. Attorney General. Don't ban this drink. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go regret weeknight drinking...

Still alive

Smashing Success. Going to crash. Full review tomorrow.

Love

Luck

Lollipops.

Late Night TV...

Awful. No matter how 4-Lok'd you are. This may be the worst part of the Loko so far...

No funny title...

Still swinging. Okay, going to try giving some real time commentary...

Getting drunker. And cotton mouth. Need more booze. This definitely kicks different than any other booze and different than even Red Bull and vodka. I've done the Red Bull and vodka. First, fuck Red Bull. Red bull gives you wings. But those wings are made of vinegar, cheap artificial sweetener and year old Robitussin. Anyway, different experience. Mostly drunk with some mild shaking.

This is like... it starts as a gentle buzz, goes to a sharp caffeine rush, slips back to a gentle buzz. Then levels out as a mild, continuous foggy hyperactivity. Then that fades a bit to a normal drunkeness.

Then the roller coaster drops off the top. WOOOOOOOOOO. Then there is a loop-de-loop. Then a corkscrew. Woooooo!

I'm a fan, is what I'm saying.

Theeeeeeeeeere it is...

Big swing. BIG SWING. Stimulants fading, alcohol hitting hard and making up for lost time. Still don't feel like a .18, but I sure feel over a .10, maybe about a .12. No doubt shit's about to get real.

Oh God, this is going to go on for awhile longer I think. I'll keep blogging for another half hour or so, but something tells me this is going to go on for a bit after that. Sort of waiting for the full effect for a final report but not sure I'll still be able to type when that happens.

Also, the fact I can still type this well is fascinating. Normally, by the time I feel this buzzed, I'm completely unable to type without horrendous typos. Just a little worse than usual right now.

Final evidence I'm still not too fucked: Entertainment Tonight is on and I still find it painfully awful. Thank God.

And, we've entered the home stretch...

Second soldier down. The "speed" is giving way to the alcohol. Honestly, if someone offered me cocaine right now, I might do it just to compare. Pot isn't the gateway drug, Four Loko is the gateway drug.

Going to let the last chug settle and see where we're at. Meanwhile, Michael Caine is on Craig Ferguson. Really, Ferguson is hilariously awesome. Add to that the fact that Caine is so great and their chemistry. Good times.

Oh, man. Seriously, I'd do coke, right now. Hear that, 4-Lok. You can put that endorsement right on your fucking can.

Introspective update

Mario Kart tests were not a good result. I feel weird. Real weird. Like, I've been totally fucking hyped for about an hour or so. The energy part of the energy drink clearly works. But now the alcohol is kicking in. So weird.

Okay, so here is the thing. I don't feel drunk. I feel a little woozy, not entirely focused, a bit slow. But not bad, a little buzzed. But here is the crazy part. I am totally fucking up left and right. Not just the subpar MK experience. Now, I'm making typos left and right. And worse than usual. But I'm also typing really fast. Seriously. Not fucking with y'all. I don't FEEL the effects per se but my coordination and physical abilities are clearly, clearly impaired.

Honestly, this isn't like anything I've ever really experienced before. It's not crazy weird, I'm not hallucinating. I don't feel like I'm tripping or on coke or anything (though not sure what coke feels like.) But it is different from any substance-induced state I've ever been in.

For the record, second 4-Lok almost dead. Once it is, I'm going to go until I start to crash. Work tomorrow is already looking miserable...

Second Mario Kart Test

Yoshi, average bike, 100cc, Flower Cup.

First Race. Mario Circuit. TWO BLUE SHELLS, A RED SHELL, A CHOMP ATTACK. Still won. Thank you 4-Loko, you are the R2DS to my Anakin Sky... fuck me.

Second Race. Mall Thing, whatever its called. Came in second. Was doing well but the goddamn... I don't know what it is, just would not die. Then I got hit with a red shell at the last second. Bad timing. Four Loko did not help on this one. Through a lot of wide turns. REAL FUCKING WIDE. Though, to be fair, at the point I'm driving in a mall, I think the reasonable suspicion argument is out the goddamn window.

Third Race. DK Summit. Let's put it this way, were this real driving, I likely would be dead. No, no, strike that, certainly dead. To be fair though, this is the most awful track in the history of MK anyway. Can't say the was 4-Lok's fault. Third place, need a hell of a final race. Let's just move on.

Final race. Wario's Gold Mine. Horrid. Just horrid. Dead six times over. Sixth place.

Silver overall. Rank of E. Suffice to say. Do not 4-Lok and drive. Especially if you are one of Arizona's many mine workers. And especially if you are a banana mine worker, what with all the slippery peels on the tracks. Think of your family. I mean, dying in a banana mine. Just... shame to your descendants.

Mario Kart Test

Diddy Kong, medium heavy bike, 100c, Mushroom Cup.

First track. Took the lead then fell behind because of a bad swing off track followed by a red shell assault. A combination of a bullet bill and a triple mushroom power up pushed me to a photo first place finish. Not sure how many NHTSA cues I demonstrated, but I think my driving was solid. Also, fuck you Koopa Troopa. You should have your license pulled.

Second Track. Moo Moo Meadows. Dominant performance. Pulle dinto fourth, closed on first, hit a cow. Recovered. With a litany of trick boosts, red shells and a barrage of bananas, finished a good five second ahead of Troopa. I think I had zero NHTSA cues unless "Total Fucking Ownage" is a NHTSA driving cue. Then I had that one like, six times.

Third track. Mushroom Gorge. Not a single fall. First place. Benefited from a lighting bolt. Not to self, tell clients to carry a lightning bolt at all times. Shrink the fucking cops and take off. Just sound legal advice.

Final track. Toad's Factory. MOTHERFUCKING BLUE SHELL. I got the 1-2 Blue Shell Red Shell punch. Went from first to sixth. Took mad driving skills to get back to fourth. Finished fourth on the track. It's not 4 Loko's fault blue shells exist. I don't think... maybe it is. Further research is necessary on this issue.

Overall: Took the gold. Hardly a great accomplishment since I can normally do this in my sleep but, still, if anything, it proves 4-Loko has not seriously impaired my ability to drive. I did get a D Rank, though, so I probably have been impaired to the slightest degree. You know what would help that? Some more caffeine boost. If only I had an energy drink handy... why, what's this? I have one right here. And its watermelon flavored.

I believe it is flower cup time.

Impaired to the slightest degree

Update on the effects of the booze. Interesting.

First the taste is less worse. Tolerance to flavor building up. In the short time since my last post, I'm already feeling it more. Harder to focus. Feeling the wooziness more. Something tells me there is going to be a swing soon and it is going to be fast and vicious. Hell of a ride.

Let me take a second to give a general summary so far:

Tastes bad. Some flavors so much worse. Effects are really different from normal booze. Caffeine does offset it. More of a rollercoaster. Overall... sort of like it. Different. Plus it smells good so if I spill it, it will be less offensive.

Whoa, yeah, definite swing coming. Feel it more just in the time of this post. Time to give Mario Kart a whirl before it swing much more. About halfway through the second can...

Regrets.

Wish I had a handheld breathalyzer now. So curious. Going to run the calculation...

I should be around a .1. Don't feel that bad. Not really feeling it at all. I wouldn't drive now but also, I honestly can say if feel like I CAN drive. Interesting. Interesting indeed.

Speaking of driving, going to finish my wine glass here and get ready to simulate my driving skills via Mario Kart Wii. I hope, through this, I can better relate to my clients. Also, you know, love the Mario Kart.

FOR SCIENCE!

Color Test

Oh no. No, no, no. It looks like wine. This is masquerading as a legitimate, respectable drink. This can't be legal. Listen, I don't want to outlaw Four Loco. Honestly, sort of a fan of it it so far. But, seriously, this is just wrong. It should only come in bright, unnatural, slightly terrifying colors so as to best alert people. It's really only fair. Public safety demands it.

By the way, still tastes awful. I wish the first one HAD permanently killes my taste buds now.

Commemerating the drinking of my first Loko. That is the look of desolation. Fear it, kids.

OH JESUS

JESUS FUCK MY THROAT CHRIST.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. That was terrible. Oh GOD. Please, please help me. Please.

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.

*gentle weeping*

Second Impressions...

Again, the smell is intoxicating in a totally different way than the drink. Very nice, fake watermelon smell. It's almost refreshing. Once more, reminds a bit of jolly ranchers. This one, though, is actually an improvement over the Berry of Rasping. Lighter, fruitier, more of a real watermelon smell and less of a sugary mockery. Very enjoyable. Honestly, it sort of reminds me of a watermelon air freshener in its gentle breeze of odor. Now, for the first sip...

YESSIR. That is a Four Loko. No doubting that. Wow. This one is sooooooo much worse than the first. The gentle flavor of watermelon does nothing, repeat, NOTHING to aid in masking the horrendousness. Remember how I told you the first one had a pleasant favor when held in the front of the mouth? Well, Watermelon will have none of that pussy shit. This one is bad from beginning to end. If Raspberry is the abusive spouse, Watermelon is the... okay, this analogy will not end well. Let's just go with: Watermelon is a bad, bad man. The sip is met with a nasty concoction of sweetness and... I don't even know what the other flavor is. I don't have words for it. It's not even a cough syrup flavor, it is just wretched. Wretched and awful all rolled into one.

Then, after tasting that, I actually have to swallow it. This is hard. The whole point of taste buds is to alert my body to something that shouldn't be consumed. It is a toxic testing system. And every fiber of that system is going, "DON'T DO THIS." And I did. And I can already feel my body hating me. The back-of-the-throat taste is almost identical to the mouth one. So, I guess that is a minor relief. At least I know it can't get worse.

And this still hits my stomach like a sledgehammer.

Oh, and guess what. Chicken fat was a terrible idea. Jalapeno chips. Worse. So much worse. Heart burn is a cruel mistress.

Time for the chug. I now regret this endeavor...

Second Verse, Same as the First...

Meet Raspberry's brother: Watermelon. Quick impressions: Same as the first one but green. But only in the loosest sense of "green." Enough aesthetic review, let's do this!

A Moment of Silence...

Let us mourn the passing of my first Four Loko and reflect on the live he lived. First off, fuck him. The bastard. He cut me out of his will for a sassy blond 20-something he met at a singles mixer in boca. I took care of him for a decade and then he left everything to that slut. But I can't stay mad at him, that's just how 4-Lok rolled. He was a rebel. Lived for the moment. Combined drunken craziness wth energetic enthusiasm. I don't know that Four Loko lives up to the claim of "Cocaine in a can" but I think, before I bought it, 4-Lok was doing lines of coke off a hooker's ass.

As for how I feel. Not bad. Really, considering I just drank the equivalent of five beers (or a six pack of light beer) I'm surprisingly sober. I know it isn't my tolerance, which is pathetic at the ripe old age of 28. I suspect this may be the caffeine effect everyone is talking about. In theory, I should continue to not feel that buzzed and then crash in another couple of hours. Epic crash.

So, wait.... let me get this straight. I get to feel the loosening of morals from alcohol, but not the tiredness. Then, after partying for a couple hours, I get to just crash the fuck out and slip into sweet, drunken sleep?

I take that back, Four Loko, I loved you. You will forever hold a special place in my heart. Now, time to move on to your cousin, Watermelon...

Sorry.

Meant "Glory Daze."

See what TBS did there?

Ha ha. TBS, you rapscallion.

Thank God...

Just saw an ad for the new TBS sitcom, Glory Days. It revolves around a fraternity on a college campus in the 1980s. It's about time. For too long, the comedic value of fraternity life in the 80s has been ignored. I can't think of any material that has truly captured the zaniness of being a college kid back then. Truly, cutting edge comedy, TBS. I toast to you.

And I toast to George Lopez. Because, as well all know, Mexican people are totally different from white people. And that's funny. Thank you for pointing that out, George.

Well into the first half...

Starting to feel the effects. Sort of interesting. Hardly overpowering. I don't feel sick or blacking out or anything yet. But it does have a strange feel. I'm starting to feel a little bit of a buzz. Woozy, world is a tad bit foggier. Etc. But I also do fee the energy drink part of it a little. It's hardly feels like speed, but it is pepping up the drag a bit. Fun combination so far, actually. Not entirely unpleasant.

Also, its tasting a hell of a lot better. The scary part is that I haven't drank enough for the alcohol to be numbing my taste buds, which means 4-Lok has either permanently killed them or else I'm actually developing a taste for it. Not sure which option is more terrifying. Either way, I think this has already changed me forever.

Hakeem Warrick also looks fucking awesome... again, not the Four Loko talking. Yet.

Fully legit...

Tastes great, less filling. Just in case anyone doubted that I was really doing this. Why anyone would, I don't know. You distrustful bastards. To think, I called you friends. Go to Hell.

No Christine O'Donnell still isn't hot.

But Gaby Giffords is. Mmmm, baby, ride that horse. I'll defend your border anytime.

A bit of an aside...

Okay, so I'm watching the Suns game. I like this team so far. I've been a supporter of them since before the season, telling people they'd be better than everyone thought. Aside from the last 5 minutes of the first game, they look really good so far. I think the new additions match the style of the team. Also, they seem to be having fun still, which is key.

Also, Dragic looks like he might be even better than last year. Amazing. Simply amazing. Very optimistic.

A toast of 4-Lok to the Suns.

Does anyone else thing the brunette girl in the state farm commercial that call for the guy with a "dangerous side" is just filthy hot? This isn't the booze talking. Honestly. I think this sober as well. Now, when I start saying that Christine O'Donnell looks cute, it's time to cut me the fuck off. Or just shoot me. Really, I can't go on living at that point.

Smell, taste, and now... look.

So... yeah, it's blue. I can't say that is surprising. Nor can I say I'm really even surprised by this particular, cornea-raping shade of it. It really does complete the ambiance that is 4-Lok. Nothing about this drink is subtle or classy. I put it in a wine glass for irony but, really, it deserves a giant tincture. With a bright pink bow. Being carried by a stereotypical 70s pimp. On a unicorn. Snorting lines of coke. Off a disco floor. While DMX blares in the background.

Black sheep?

Okay, so, I've had malt liquor before. I've had "good" and "bad" malt liquors. Which is a distinction that sort of escape me but, whatever. I really, strongly dislike malt liquor. It has a disgusting, potent flavor. It also is really hard to drink. I never successfully finished a 40 but, also, in defense of OE, most were started LONG after tequila and beer had impaired anything resembling my greater judgment.

Regardless, I don't make it a point to drink malt liquor anymore. In fact, I make it a point to avoid it. So how does 4-Lok stack up to your standard 40? Well. I mean, I'd rather have 4-Lok than any 40 out there. However, that is hardly a ringing endorsement. It's sort of like choosing a firing squad over hanging. Or watching a Clippers game over a Timberwolves one.

This is not a trusting relationship. I will not be turning my back on this son of a bitch at any point.

A Tinge of Consciousness

I will say this. Despite how unpleasant the chugging was, I was sort of amazed at how EASY it was. I can see where the problem with this drink lies. It really doesn't KICK like a 12% drink normally would. It's got more alcohol than most cheap wines but goes down much easier. The flavor really is the biggest deterrent. That aside...

I had said prior to this that I would judge it on how easy it would be to chug a whole can. Pretty fucking easy. I bet I could do it. I won't, since I do still place a minimal value on my life, but I totally could. That's slightly terrifying. I need another drink...

... Oh MOTHERFUCKER, that's not tasty.

Chug chug chug goes the choo-choo

Well, that was not a fun experience. Two thoughts:

First, chugging really makes it much, much worse. The only good part of the flavor is the initial settling in when it is sweet and a little gentle. It could almost pass for off-brand fruit soda. It is sweet and enjoyable. It's like the first few weeks of an abusive relationship when the guy still says he loves the girl and buys her flowers and takes her to the movies.

Chugging skips that wonderful honeymoon period and gets right to the yelling and throwing glassware because dinner isn't fucking ready when Four Loko go fucking home. It's like an absolute kick to the face. Also, it does NOT dilute the cough syrup flavor at all, which just sort of festers in the back of your throat. No matter how fast you drink it, it lodges there and mocks you. There is no escaping THAT taste.

Also, it hits the stomach a bit harder, but also a bit shorter. On that end, its a slight improvement. Mixed emotions. Going to try another chug or two eventually. For know though, time to settle into a nice, normal drinking pattern...

Oh and go Giants. Awesome game. So awesome.

First Sip

OH JESUS. That tastes more like cough syrup than cough syrup does. Holy God. I can't properly describe the flavor, words will not do it justice. Taking a second sip and holding again...

Okay, so, it has sort of a triple action going on. When I sip it and hold it in the front of my mouth it tastes sweet and pleasant, like cheap jawbreakers. It's not bad. Then, when I swallow, the taste in the back of my mouth is... well, it feels like the taste equivalent of Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club. Yeah, full blown cough syrup effect. Pretty rough. Then it hits the stomach. HARD. It has a heaviness to it that I've really only ever experienced with cheap tequila. You really can feel it all the way down.

Oh, and there is NOTHING raspberry about this. This is an affront to every berry that has ever been rasped. I feel raspberries should file a class action suit for defamation. It tastes like sugar, generic fruit and bad cough syrup in a blender. With a hint of Red Bull. That's probably the worst of it all...

First impression

The can popped open with a satisfying "snap." Followed by the gentle weeze of escaping carbonation. I let it air for a second before taking a small whiff and savoring the bouquet. Actually, it smells pretty good. Like jolly ranchers. Has a surprisingly potent and pleasant fake-raspberry smell.

Not sure if it is actually bue, will test that later. Really, the first impression is good. It seems inviting, sweet and almost innocent. It beckons me into its gentle embrace. Familiar chemicals and sugar. My inner child wants to get faded.

NO SHADOW! DON'T! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!

The front is much more inviting. It screams business in front, party... also in front. Profesisonal four and crazy, crazy Loko. It is also blue. Unholy blue. And camouflaged? Um, sure. Why not.

Here is the back of the Four Loko can. Notice the threatening, black label "We ID" promise. ID what? Your corpse? Your mug shot after a night of drinking these. Thanks Loko. Thanks for your concern.

Still alive! This is me before any of my slow, ritualistic suicide. Getting pumped.

Countdown to first sip

Alright, barring any setbacks, first sip will be at 11 EST / 8 PST. So far, for prep I've had half a chicken, a quarter of a honey dew melon, some chips and two glasses of iced tea. Good base of protein and sugars with some preparatory hydration.

I did, however, already make the first strategic error of the night. I forgot how chicken gas fat makes me gassy. And no the kind of gas you think. Burpy gassy. Hopefully that passes soon or else it is going to make things real, real interesting.

Right now I'm watching game 2 of the world series (Go Giants!) For those of you who care, I do have some friends on standby just in case I incur some serious injury and can't finish. No one has volunteered to close it out for me in such a case, though. Pussies.

A few items for the game plan. First, I am starting with one can and I'll play it by ear whether I can pull out the double header. I'll open with a sip or two to gather the full bouquet as any good taster would. Then, I'll follow it up with a good, deep chug so I can enjoy the 4-Lok in all its glory. Really looking forward to the pain that will cause.

That's the opening strategy right now. I also will be going with the blue raspberry tonight. If I do go for the second can, I will open the floor to voting. I've got fruit punch, watermelon, lemon lime and cranberry lemonade on deck. Start considering your vote now. Remember, the electoral process is what makes this country so great. America was built on free democracy.

And then, after it was built, we celebrated by crammeing a six pack and two cups of coffee into a can of carbonated Kool-aid. America, FUCK YEAH!

Pre-Game

Welcome to game night everyone. This is the Tostitos Fed Ex UPS Budweiser Pink Taco pre-game show. We're coming to you live from south Tucson we're we are anxiously awaiting the start of what promises to be a gruesome blogging experience.

*turns to a second, close up camera* I'd like to take this second to advise everyone of the dangers of underage drinking. Remember, alcohol abuse by those under 21 is a serious issue in our high schools. Kids have to be taught to be responsible. Have a serious discussion with your kids about the dangers of drinking. At least until they turn 21. Once you turn 21, it's aaaaaaaaaall good. Oh and buzzed driving is drunk driving but way, way more awesome.

*turns back* Okay now that that is out of the way, let's discuss the pregame preparations. I'm warming up by getting a nice base of food going. I've got some rotisserie chicken, honey dew melon and jalapeno kettle chips. I'd debated doing this on a near empty stomach to enhance the effect but decided against it for a few reasons. First, I'm hungry. Second, I wanted a good base in order to see if I can go for a double header tonight. Third, this could be my last meal. If someone wants to bring by a lobster, you know, I won't stop you.

Alright, gonna start chowing. Will be back with an update shortly. Shooting for first sip at around 10:30 EST, 7:30 pacific. In the meantime, here is a word from our sponsor, Vagisil.

Nutrional

Four Loko - Not a diet food.

Nutritional Facts

Booze Pondering

Since I decided to try Four Loko, reaction has bitterly divided into Four camps or, as I call them, "Four Locales" (see what I did there?) They are as follows:

1) This sounds fucking awesome - These people represent my true friends. The ones who are excited that I am risking my sanity and very life for their amusement. Should this experiment go horribly awry, I can rest assured they will be the first ones on scene to laugh in person and raid my corpse. Love you all.

2) This sounds like a bad idea - These are the cautious people I know. The mature ones who are concerned for my safety. They recognize the very real danger this drink poses and want no harm to befall me. Mostly, these people also don't know me all that well because they think their wisdom might actually keep me from making a horrible decision. Not bloody likely.

3) This is overhyped, I doubt it will do much - Sadly, this probably poses the most factually correct camp. Part of the reason I am doing this is to see if it does, indeed, live up to the hype. I suspect, neigh, fear it may not. If this camp proves right, then I regret to inform you all, there is no kind and loving God for only a cruel God could make something so disappointing.

4) You're a fucking idiot - The largest of the four camps. Represents roughly 95% of the population at large. I'll show them! Wait, no I won't...

Remember everyone, tonight is the night I possibly cast off this mortal coil in a caffeine and ethanol induced frenzy. Also, I'll probably be playing Mario Kart as a simulation of my driving reflexes. Follow along!

Introduction

New blog. Going to use this to chronicle the 4-Lok experience. It may also serve as a last will and testament at some point.