Friday, October 29, 2010


Finally getting a second to sit down and write up my final word on this little experiment...

... so, so tired.

Alright, first, the obvious question of how I felt this morning. Surprisingly, not terrible. I was afraid of a hangover for obvious reasons. There are essentially three sources of the various hangover malaise. The first is the most influential, dehydration. Alcohol drains the fluid from your body and, unless you make a conscious effort to supplement it with regular beverage, it can really take its toll. Second, is the feeling of exhaustion that comes from the rather terrible sleep that alcohol tends to cause. Finally, there is the fact that, often times, you are STILL DRUNK when you wake up.

I safeguarded against the first problem by drinking lots of water and eating ice cream and melon. I safeguarded against the second by... okay, I did nothing to help on that one. And I protected myself against the third by NOT HAVING A THIRD FOUR LOKO. Trust me, if I had had a third, I would have been absolutely boned. Zero I would have made it into work today.

I slept poorly. The caffeine hadn't totally faded and I already have a nasty tendency to have horrid dreams and hallucinations when I try to sleep drunk. So, it was a fairly restless, repeatedly disturbed sleep. So I woke up, and still am, tired. Also woke up with a bit of a headache. Not too bad, though, two glasses of water and 4 Tylenol later, plus two hours of healing time, and it was gone. So, really, overall, doing fine, no worse than after most drinking endeavors.

So, now, time for the final verdict. First, a review of the product itself. I shall grade it on a 1-5 scale on various criteria. This is also an amalgam score for both the semi-respectable Blue Raspberry and his disgusting, lurch of a black sheep brother, Watermelon.

Overall appearance: 4/5. The can itself is inviting and the actual liquids have a comfortable color. The raspberry is unnatural enough to remind one of candy while the watermelon could be confused for the cheapest of boxed wines. Really, though, that's sort of a slam to boxed wine, some of which are approaching palatable. At any rate, without knowing any better, everything about the aesthetics seems to embody a legitimate adult beverage.

Smell: 5/5. Really liked the odor of both. Honestly, both were very sweet and smelled completely innocent. No detectable malt liquor nastiness and pretty good facsimiles of actual pop culture food.

Taste: 2/5. Well.... let me put it this way. On one end of the scale you've got gasoline. On the other, Patron or Black Label or what have you. Let's call the gasoline scale the left side and the top shelf liquor the right. Four Loko is so left of center, you might confuse it for Al Franken (zing!) It's not good. This comes from the underlying design defect: It's malt liquor. Malt liquor is not fit for human consumption. Hell, if an inmate asks for malt liquor with his last meal, most prisons won't give it on account of an ACLU suit for cruel and unusual treatment. So, you have two options: Mask it with more potent flavors or throw your arms up in surrender and let it have its way with people's mouths (the prison analogy can easily be extended here so I'll give you a few seconds to make your own joke................ done? Alright, moving on.) Raspberry takes option A and ends up somewhat covering the taste of the horrid alcohol with sweetness and generic artificial fruitiness. It's not GOOD, but it is drinkable. Watermelon really is as bad as I claimed. I mean, I had already gotten somewhat used to 4-Lok and had a six pack worth of tastebud neutering by the first one and Watermelon was STILL nearly unbearable. It not only took option B, but it almost seemed to be accenting the horror. It wasn't throwing its arms up but handing the malt liquor shivs and screaming, "Cut him, bitch! Cut him!" on the sidelines. Just terrible. And it neither matches real watermelon or the bizarre flavor that candy companies have come to call "watermelon."

Effect: 4/5. This is the interesting part. The reason you all came to watch me put my life on the line. It is an odd effect. Truly different feeling. I won't repeat myself, I thin my prior entries did a decent job describing but, suffice to say, it was an experience.

Overall: 3/5. Not too bad. Better than cheap liquor or 40s, not as good as real booze. Also a unique sort of drunkeness.

Now the bottom line. Really, it comes down to two questions.

Would you do it again?

Yes, yes I would. It wasn't awful tasting and was a unique and, overall, decent chemical experience. Also, this shit is CHEAP. For $5 I got as drunk as it would normally take 11 beers to pull off. Can't beat that. I do NOT recommend this as an enjoyment beverage. You do not drink Four Loko for taste. It compliments no food that you would ever want to actually eat. It is for getting drunk, pure and simple. And, for that purpose, it meets the two greatest criteria you can ask for any drug: Cheap and effective.

Does it live up to the hype?

Sort of. Depends. Are we talking the "It is a dangerous combination of speed and alcohol" or "It is an awesome combination of speed AND alcohol!" Either way, the drink poses pros and cons.


1-2 will bring about an entertaining level of intoxication
The stimulants to seem to improve the overall "flow" of the intoxication


There is a certain degree of masking
It's way to easy to chug or lose track of how much you drink
I think it might have GHB in it
Tastes like death

I will say this. I am now a fan and would recommend it to others but only with the caveats I've previously mentioned. Slow and steady wins the race, Mr. Tortoise. Meanwhile, the hare is vomiting up his kidneys and driving his car off a cliff. Wait... if he's already so fast, why is he driving? Cheating bastard. He deserves to die.

Please Mr. Attorney General. Don't ban this drink. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go regret weeknight drinking...

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