Thursday, October 28, 2010

Mario Kart Test

Diddy Kong, medium heavy bike, 100c, Mushroom Cup.

First track. Took the lead then fell behind because of a bad swing off track followed by a red shell assault. A combination of a bullet bill and a triple mushroom power up pushed me to a photo first place finish. Not sure how many NHTSA cues I demonstrated, but I think my driving was solid. Also, fuck you Koopa Troopa. You should have your license pulled.

Second Track. Moo Moo Meadows. Dominant performance. Pulle dinto fourth, closed on first, hit a cow. Recovered. With a litany of trick boosts, red shells and a barrage of bananas, finished a good five second ahead of Troopa. I think I had zero NHTSA cues unless "Total Fucking Ownage" is a NHTSA driving cue. Then I had that one like, six times.

Third track. Mushroom Gorge. Not a single fall. First place. Benefited from a lighting bolt. Not to self, tell clients to carry a lightning bolt at all times. Shrink the fucking cops and take off. Just sound legal advice.

Final track. Toad's Factory. MOTHERFUCKING BLUE SHELL. I got the 1-2 Blue Shell Red Shell punch. Went from first to sixth. Took mad driving skills to get back to fourth. Finished fourth on the track. It's not 4 Loko's fault blue shells exist. I don't think... maybe it is. Further research is necessary on this issue.

Overall: Took the gold. Hardly a great accomplishment since I can normally do this in my sleep but, still, if anything, it proves 4-Loko has not seriously impaired my ability to drive. I did get a D Rank, though, so I probably have been impaired to the slightest degree. You know what would help that? Some more caffeine boost. If only I had an energy drink handy... why, what's this? I have one right here. And its watermelon flavored.

I believe it is flower cup time.

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